


Funeral

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:49:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24914140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: PJ Liguori is dead. And the people in his life can’t process that. What happens when someone you know is gone? Just like that? How does it effect people? It’s like a ripple in a pond. Phil Lester is drinking. Dan Howell is alone. And Chris Kendall has nothing left.
Relationships: Chris Kendall/PJ Liguori, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	Funeral

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic and the song is called Funeral by Phoebe Bridgers!

I'm singing at a funeral tomorrow  
For a kid a year older than me  
And I've been talking to his dad, it makes me so sad  
When I think too much about it I can't breathe

PJ Liguori is gone. And that’s something Dan Howell can’t always process. An eighteen year old boy is dead. And Dan is invited to his funeral. Well, they were friends after all. Sort of. Their friend group... well? It fell apart. Which surprised everyone as they all seemed perfect. But sometimes friendships don’t last long. At school, people called them the Fantastic Foursome as they would do everything together. Watch movies. Do homework. Contemplate life’s meaningless obstacles. Dan. Phil. PJ. Chris. Best friends forever. Until they weren’t. 

PJ’s parents want Dan to perform something. Dan isn’t normally afraid of going up on a stage and singing. Or playing the piano. But it’s not going to be a stage this time. It’s going to be in a church, with a cheap keyboard, honoring a boy who died in a car accident. And Dan is afraid. Of facing Phil. Facing Chris. Because they weren’t asked. Just because he can play the piano and sing a few notes, gives him the right. They didn’t even ask Chris to say some words. Everyone knows that Chris loved PJ. There was always more. Always.

Right now, Dan is lying in bed. The cracks on the walls seem to have grown over the night, turning into big monster teeth, threatening to swallow him whole. Sometimes he wishes as if there were monsters, ready to bite down at any given chance. Sometimes he wishes he could wander into the woods and fall deep, deep down. Into a hole where no one would ever be able to find him. Because sometimes the world gets to be too much to handle. And Dan can’t. His mind stops. Shuts off. Because the world is cruel to Dan Howell. It has thrown things at him that no one could dodge. 

PJ died in a car accident. And Dan doesn’t know what really happened. And he can’t ask. He can’t ask PJ’s parents how he died. So, he seeks out a friend. He pulls out his phone and sends a text to Phil Lester. He writes out a paragraph. Deletes it. Starts another one. Deletes that too. So, he takes a breath and starts with a simple ‘Hi’. There isn’t a reply for a bit, so Dan assumes Phil must either be asleep or ignoring him. 

Then, instead of a text back, there’s a call. He picks up immediately. There’s a muffled sound and then Phil Lester is speaking to him. But something is off. A slight slur to Phil’s voice, but Dan doesn’t mention it. All he wants is to talk. Not accuse.

I have this dream where I'm screaming underwater  
While my friends are all waving from the shore  
And I don't need you to tell me what that means  
I don't believe in that stuff anymore 

Phil Lester took up drinking. He thought it would be to cope, when PJ’s funeral was going on. He thought maybe it would help. But he got stuck on it. Liking the way the alcohol burned a blazing trail down his throat. Like the feeling of hooking up with random guys who happened to be at the bar. And half the time are even more drunk than he is. He’s allowed to really. He can drink and he can have sex. But Phil can’t hide from himself. He can’t hide the fact that the one boy he really wants to have sex with, was his best friend. So when Dan texted that night, Phil called. And he was so, so drunk. And everything was fuzzy. So, he thought he would tell him and maybe play it off the next day as a drunken mistake. But Dan cried. And asked to meet. They met and one thing led to another. Phil ended up doing “the walk of shame” back to his house. Dan hasn’t texted since.

Phil's parents, Kath and Nigel, wanted him to go to a therapist. But Phil refused defiantly. Insisting he was fine. Telling them lies. That nothing was wrong. But everything was. Phil was not alright, but he knew that talking to a therapist wouldn’t help him. And he’s been having dreams, where he was in the car. Driven into a lake. Water pouring in through the windows, invisible ropes tying him down. And he’s crying, hot, wet tears pouring down his face. And he feels himself scrabbling at ropes binding around his neck and screaming and screaming. But all he can see are three dark figures on the land, staring on. They look at him, wave and turn away, before Phil wakes up, shivering and cold. 

He doesn’t like speaking about ‘The Fantastic Foursome’. He dosen’t like talking about why they fell out. Phil doesn’t like feeling sad. He likes to block anything out that isn’t what he wants. If something goes wrong, everything does. When he failed a class, he needed to fail all the others. Because things need to be even, perfect. Nothing can be too out of proportion compared to the others. 

Phil’s brother, Martyn, is staying with them for a bit, before he goes back to university. Phil does his best to ignore Martyn, avoid him. Make sure not to wake him when he comes back from who-knows-where. Phil doesn’t want more questions, more pitying glances. Because Martyn is perfect, in Phil’s eyes. He’s never done anything wrong; he’s got a perfect girlfriend. Martyn Lester was who Phil thought he would grow up to be. A perfect man. But he’s not. He’s broken. Everything is. 

Phil’s hair is long, but he doesn’t want to get it cut. He wants to let it grow, long and messy. He wants everything to reflect how he feels inside. The clothes he wears and the way he does his hair. To reflect the scruffy, mess he is inside. 

Jesus Christ, I'm so blue all the time  
And that's just how I feel  
Always have and I always will  
I always have and always will

Chris Kendall is a strange boy, seemingly timid and shy. But easily worked up and angry. If you were to peer inside Chris’ mind, what would you see? It would be a slideshow, of every happy moment he ever had. Because that’s what he thinks about most days. And most of these memories involve PJ. Him laughing and joking and smiling. Enjoying being eighteen. And some of these memories have Dan or Phil in them too. When everything was mended. When their friendship hadn’t snapped in half. 

Chris doesn’t feel much these days. Mostly pain or sadness. Sometimes anger. And when he gets angry, he punches and he throws and he screams. He screams and screams and screams. But afterwards he regrets it. Because underneath all that anger, is an unbearable pain. It crawls down inside of him and squeezes. His heart hurts and his head hurts and everything hurts. On those days, he feels like nothing is going to get better. That he will never move on. But how can he? PJ was his best friend. His other half. He was unbearably in love with him as well.

Chris still remembers the kiss. It was an accident really. He didn’t mean to fall on him. It just happened. But then, there he was, eyes wide and mouth falling onto PJ’s. He expected his friend to pull away; to recoil. But it didn’t happen. They lay on the couch, kissing until their mouths were sore and their heads felt light. And when they broke apart for air, Chris pulled him in once more. They laughed afterwards, PJ’s cheeks flushed. Chris was pleased with himself. Finally he had done something right. But it seemed, just as soon as they fell in love, PJ was gone.

He wants the whole world to end. For the sun to crash right into the earth. Because who’s going to tell him that he’s worth it? Who’s going to let him cry and still call him a man? Who’s going to love him like PJ Liguori did? His parents are out of the picture. Dan and Phil? They left ages ago. So now? There’s no one left. And maybe that’s just how it’s supposed to end up like. Maybe that’s just how it will always be. 

And the thing that breaks Chris’ heart the most is that… there’s truth to what he’s thinking about at night. Because no one will love him like he did. No one can replace him. And his parents did cut him off and he hasn’t talked to Dan or Phil for two years. So there’s truth. But sometimes he lies to himself. Whispers that he will never be good enough. Because that is what Chris Kendall truly believes. But it isn’t true. Because he has so much to live for. And he will always be good enough, he just can’t see it for himself. 

I have a friend I call  
When I've bored myself to tears  
And we talk until we think we might just kill ourselves  
But then we laugh until it disappears

Dan and Phil. Their names always fit. Or, that’s what Dan thinks at least. It’s been two weeks. Since the funeral. And Daniel Howell is still lost. He calls Phil now, but it’s different. Because Phil is drinking, the alcohol present in his voice. Present in his breath. He isn’t the same. He’s harsher. Rougher. The alcohol bringing out a bitterness to his tone. His kisses are too hard, too long, too much. But Dan can’t bring himself to tell Phil that he’s truly hurting him. Sometimes he can’t even remember the smiley, happy boy that Phil once was. He can’t remember the bright blueness to his eyes or the way he would stick out his tongue every time he laughed. Now Phil’s eyes are dull, a grayness present. He doesn’t laugh. Not anymore.

Sometimes they talk about death. How they could come back as different, better people. And one time, Phil suggested the bottle of pills in the bathroom cupboard. They almost went through with it, but something changed and they threw the pills down the sink. And then… Phil laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed. A horrible, menacing sort of sound. And Dan joined in weakly, swallowing back tears. They could have killed themselves. 

When Dan cries, Phil suddenly turns to stone. He can’t handle it. That’s what Dan thinks at least. But he can’t help but feel resentment, because he’s been there. Everytime Phil starts to break down, Dan holds him until everything is ok. When Phil collapses, either from the drink or the pain, Dan catches him. So why can’t Phil catch him when he’s about to fall. Fall down the long, never ending hole. With spikes of glass and long, iron nails, jutting out from the side. A never ending pit of pain, cuts crossing over his arms, no Phil to pull him out. Dan’s idea of Hell. 

What if PJ hadn’t died? It’s something Dan asks frequently. And when he asks Phil, it seems like mistake. Because Phil gets so upset. He pushes Dan down and shakes his shoulders. He yells and cries and begs him not to mention PJ. Begs him. And Dan shuts up, nodding and willing for tears not to start streaming down his face. Phil let go then and kisses him, hard. He whispers frenzied apologies between kisses and Dan felt a stray tear fall down his cheek. And this time, Phil kisses it away and told him that he’ll always be there now. And that he loves him. And then, Dan is gone. He starts to sob, curling himself into Phil’s chest, letting emotion after painful emotion cover him. 

It’s not even all about losing PJ. It’s about losing himself. It’s about losing his mind. Who was he before? He can’t remember. That’s what hurts. Forgetting.

And last night I blacked out in my car  
And I woke up in my childhood bed  
Wishing I was someone else, feeling sorry for myself  
When I remembered someone's kid is dead

Tonight, Phil is too drunk. Too drunk. Stumbling to his car at midnight, head throbbing and legs trembling. He can’t comprehend anything. In his alcohol soaked mind, he is dancing on stars and chasing planets. He sits behind the wheel for a bit, feeling giddy with fuzziness. He’s smiling at nothing, laughing at everything. Fleeting thoughts enter his head. I should re-dye my hair. He thinks, running a hand through the long bits at the front. I want to see Dan. His mind concludes. So, he starts the car, backing out of the bar’s parking lot.

Somewhere in the back of Phil’s mind, he knows that he should not be driving. But he wants to see Dan. That’s the biggest priority on Phil’s mind right now. And when he pulls up to Dan’s driveway, he starts the unbuckle his seatbelt before things get dizzy. Everything starts to spin and he stumbles, hitting his head on the dashboard. Stars dance before his eyes and before he can do anything, things have gone completely black. 

When Phil wakes up, his arm brushes against someone next to him. This startles him and he sits up abruptly, causing the someone next to him to stir sleepily. Phil blinks himself awake and realizes that the person next to him is Dan Howell. His hair is stuck to his forehead, some curls seem to have escaped. And his mouth is slightly open, which Phil finds quite cute. But he’s been staring so much that he doesn’t feel the splitting headache that seems to break into his brain. Pounding and pounding. He decides to get some water from downstairs, remembering the inside of Dan’s house quite well. This is the bed he used to sleep in at sleepovers they’d have when they were eight. This is the bed where Phil comforted a crying Dan when his beloved pet hamster, Suki, escaped for the last time.

He stares sleepily at the clock above the mantle. Six am. Great. Phil walks as quietly as he can to the kitchen. But as he reaches for the cupboard, something rustles behind him and he falls, hitting his knee on the countertop. He swears and turns around. Dan’s mum, Jackie, stands in the doorway. She sighs and shuffles into the kitchen, reaching up and handing Phil a glass. He opens his mouth to say something to her. An apology. A thank you. But she shakes her head. Patting Phil gently on the shoulder, she leaves the room and goes upstairs.

When Phil gets back to Dan’s room, it’s already half past. The younger boy is still fast asleep, brown hair flopped over his eyes. As Phil looks down at him, his heart almost hurts. Because Dan looks so peaceful and small. Like nothing will hurt him as long as he stays curled up, sleeping soundly. 

Jesus Christ, I'm so blue all the time  
And that's just how I feel  
Always have and I always will  
I always have and always will

At school, Chris sometimes passes his other old friends. But they don’t ever say anything to him. Not after what he did. Chris remembers. He screamed. He yelled. He cried. He grabbed them and screamed right in their faces, with tears pouring down his cheeks. He doesn’t know why he did it. Maybe he was jealous. Maybe he was afraid. Maybe both. But they avoid him now. Ignore him in class. Sit far away at lunch. And Chris is so lonely. He sits in the library alone now. Doing his schoolwork or writing in a journal that he carries around everywhere. 

Maybe the rest of his life is just meant to be like this. Sad and empty. Friends gone. Life meaningless. Maybe this is just life telling him something. That PJ had to die for him to truly understand. So, as he makes his way to the bridge. What else could make him feel so free? He jumps. And there the story ends for Chris Kendall. Because he truly believed that he was born to be sad.  
Many people’s stories don’t need to end so quickly. But what would have happened to Chris, if his friend were still there for him?


End file.
